State of Affairs

This culture has decided to keep me alive but shun and despise me. Fear me. Keep me at a distance. Judge and shame me.
A new culture is rising to replace this one. This cultural coup will make the culture wars look like nothing...

Belated Fishing Opener Poem

she's a martyr to my illness
no smarter than a dill miss
a hundred dollar bill wish
she went and caught a dogfish
grab dollars with her bare fist
at home she never be blissed
with grandkids i done her blessed

A Minneapolis Joke Turned Stereotype Essay Question

A palestinian, a native, a hmong and a somali walk into a bar, who is buying? What do they eat? Drink? The palestinian is a christian, does that change things? All four are female. How does that change your conception?

What do you do, you ask?

I am a prophet from the time imagined by john lennon. So many of the original coimaginers have lost the image I lose sight of it myself some days! Believe me though, it's coming sooner than you think.

Cover letter

To whom it may concern:

I am currently seeking vocational activities to provide meaning to my days and perhaps some coin for my pocket.

I hold a bachelor of science in multidisciplinary studies degree from the university of Minnesota. I am a trained and experienced union advocate for the national association of letter carriers and would like to use those skills and that passion in future endeavors. I am a skilled writer, an analytic thinker and a creative problem solver.

Please contact me if you might have use for such an individual in your organization.

Sincerely, 

Ryan gautschi

Back to blogger as my main outlet

How we talk about the pharmacopia is very important to me. Everything with drowsiness as a side effect is not "sleeping medicine"

FB -> (ambitambig) -> g+ portal take one

Rainy birthday lament

If I said helpless hopeless
Would you call would you invite
Me over for dinner for the rite
Would you fear for your kids for your life
Due to hype due to shame
Feel the cleanse of the rain
Down your neck down the drain
Goodbye pain end of game

three poems

from this winter some time:

sometimes i think too straight
get stuck on count to eight
or sink on syncopate
half dead an hour late
time travel crossed wire
a tiny green fire
child shaman for hire
the time is looking dire
for those who have no king
for those who wear the ring
doorbell says ding-a-ling
dog collar ting-a-ling
gut bugs mumble rumble
whole thing might fumble tumble
spark the cocktails
burn the brass rails
dontcha know?
time to go!
quiet
riot
never
the
same




a little later in the winter, waiting for my social worker who it turns out was about to tell me my commitment was done early due to a clerical error:


frozen fingers flick tobacco ash
trees leave leaves in autumn compassion
electric motor blowers violent infraction
ante raise bluff fold haul in quarters

foul importers markup middlemen
legalize legitimize free the little guys
spit the ethic sympathetic spin the record
ring the bell time will tell truth in swell

meek on earth snow white birth
bison elf howling wolf hungry loon
burning sun soothing moon cuckoo goon
clown charlatan harlequin up from the bottom



just now today from HCMC impatient [sic] psych:

waiting wondering wandering mind
labeled locked up left behind
corner catbird watch the scene
wait for red light flip to green
blaring tv dominates
holy sabbath desecrates
psycho sunday cuckoo cage
count up blessings let go rage
old friends new friends sometimes staff
blather ramble earn a laugh
oromo somali punk rock kid
hide from push away never did
fresh air outing lonely dogs
spaced out visits where's the frogs
bad boy scapegoat take the heat
messed up ugly stinky feet
mostly mindful blissful bird
sometimes songful written word
spit out truth they'll never read
unheard voice i'd rather bleed
lonely tears unseen undried
buckle up enjoy the ride

spring solstice sunrise seranade of sadness and serendipity

Suffer struggle yes i do
i've got issues so do you
illness doesn't do me bad
greatest gift i've ever had
stigma shame demands control
breathe in love me slow your roll

shut up locked up hid away
love love feel good hear them say
poison pill if you'd just swallow
never more would we all wallow
psychic psychiatrists' v.V bible
true life story could never rival

raised in funhouse faces twisted
show your feelings never risk it
swallowed bit tongue nearly busted
found fragile new tongue never trusted
one day some way i'll be heard
springtime listen friend the bird

mind heart soul open wide
dear old loved ones great divide
see me now i will not hide
who i am i take great pride
amazing trip it's been a ride
rest of slope is just a slide???

Levi Birth Story

On Friday, June 6th

afternoon. Tonia had been having contractions all through the day, a little more regular

and stronger than the ones she had on and off for the last week or two. She let the

midwife check her dilation and she was at 3-4 centimeters. We stopped for a quick bite

to eat before I went back to work. Tonia asked “really, how long will it take for you to

get home if I call you?” I said about 30-45 minutes. She said “I hope you’re not too

late.” I told her to call as soon as she’s sure she’s in labor but I can’t take every day off

“just in case.”

I went back to work and finished at almost 8 o’clock, then went straight home.

When I arrived about a quarter after 8, I took a shower and had a little bite to eat. Tonia’s

mom, Diane, was nesting. Tonia, despite having contractions all afternoon and evening

was now certain this wasn’t the real thing. I knew better. I tried to get to bed to get some

rest because I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping through the night, and tried to get Tonia to

do the same. Finally, at almost 10 p.m. Tonia and I were going to lie down, and let our

daughter, Solana (almost 4 y.o.), stay up with Diane, since they are both impossible to get

to sleep when they want to get things done.

As soon as we laid down – literally the first contraction lying down – Tonia

jumped up and said “Get up! We’re going to the hospital.” We somehow spent the next

hour and a half packing the bags we already had packed and I tried to eat anything in

sight since I hadn’t had a real dinner and knew I would be up a good portion of the night.

Somewhere during the packing I called the hospital and told them we were on our way. I

neglected to tell them that we were serious about showing up late and were more likely

to need the “curb can” than the pitocin, which I realized later we should have told them

before we came. Tonia spent every contraction and the immediate seconds afterward

frantically trying to get everyone going and then dilly-dallied until the next one. My

favorite interaction, starting with Tonia:

“Could you make me some toast?”

“Wheat bread or an English muffin?”

“An English Muffin would be good.”

I get out the toaster, drop in the muffin and 5 seconds later Tonia, leaning against

the counter demands “Leave it, we’ve got to go!” I threw the untoasted English muffin in

a sandwich bag and off we went.

Finally, we arrived at the hospital around midnight and were casually given a

room and nurses slowly gathered up supplies and brought them in. One of the first things

they wanted to do was give Tonia an IV start, not hooked up to anything but just to have

“in case.” We had already cleared with the midwives that this was not required and

Tonia firmly said “I don’t have to have one. The midwives said you wouldn’t believe it

and could call them.” One nurse said “you want to have a baby, right?” Tonia snapped

back “I don’t need an IV to have a baby!” I was beginning to dread the relationship we

would have with the nurses, we gave them a copy of our birth plan and by the next time

they came into the room they were ready to go along happily.

, we had a regular weekly checkup with our midwife in the

We asked if Gloria (the midwife we knew was on call) was on her way and they

said, “Oh, we’ll call her when we need to.” This is when I realized they didn’t know that

she had been “in labor” for probably 10 hours and they were acting like she would be

here for another half day before the baby came. Thankfully, they came soon to do their

initial exam and I saw the “ah ha” on the nurse’s face when she did the internal exam and

Tonia was 7cm and 100% effaced. I don’t remember if she said she was going to page

Gloria or actually yelled out to the hall, but Gloria was now on her way.

Tonia put up with the ACOG mandated 20 minutes of electronic fetal monitoring

with only a little grumbling. Luckily they let her stand instead of lying down. Gloria

arrived, a little groggy. This was her 3rd

asleep after being up since the first one, which arrived before 6 a.m. so she probably was

there by 4. At some point Tonia wanted some music – comforting but not too calm –

what else but Johnny Cash? For the rest of the labor and delivery the same Johnny Cash

CD was on repeat in the background.

Tonia was again (as with our daughter) a super-champ at breathing and making

it through the tough contractions. During these she doesn’t want to be touched,

encouraged, talked to or anything. Most of the time she kind of hung around my neck

then for a while sat on a birth ball. Once in a while at the peak of a contraction she would

grunt “help!” After a couple of these I waited until the contraction had passed then

asked, “When you say ‘help!’ you mean ‘Just shut up and don’t do anything,’ right?”

She confirmed this and I went back to just sitting there in front of her, grabbing her some

water once in a while and reminding her she doesn’t have to apologize to the nurses for

getting blood on the floor. By this time, the nurses were anything but annoyed, they and

Gloria remarked a couple times how easy Tonia is – all they have to do is stand around

and watch.

Eventually it was getting to be time to push. Gloria tried to get her to lay down

(“semi-sitting?”) but as the first contraction began Tonia jumped up and said “no way!”

She tried squatting on the floor but this left the nurses and Gloria trying to figure out

how to catch a baby 4 inches off the ground. She squatted in the bed for a short while

then switched to kneeling on all fours. Gloria was really encouraging her to push and not

satisfied with her efforts. Sitting there basically as a passive observer I started to realize

that Tonia’s tremendous ability to endure the earlier contractions must have something to

do with her lack of pushing – she was essentially just trying to let the contractions go by

rather than turn them into a push.

After a little while, Tonia decided to try lying on her side. She was very

comfortable in this position and stayed in it until the baby was born. She still wasn’t a

gung-ho pusher but eventually got into pushing when I pushed against her top leg during

contractions so she had something to push against. A few contractions after the head

began to show, Tonia came up with the guts for one enormous, long (3 minutes), push

and out came our baby boy at 2:39 a.m. The midwife and I caught him and passed him

right up to mom’s chest. He cried for just a minute then got really calm and quiet and

seemed to be taking in the world. After a minute or two I cut the cord.

Forgot about trees q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5a93wABHNM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

My Personal NOLA top ten

Not so much "the best of New Orleans" as "the best representation of how I think of my time in New Orleans (1/2013-6/2013)" (As customized for a 30 year-old midwestern female vegetarian professional making a brief visit primarily for business)

10. Country Club. Clothing optional gay friendly outdoor saltwater pool, hot tub & tiki bar. Unbelievable on a tepid (bc pool warm), clear (Bc stars beautiful) evening. Also full bar & restaurant inside. Decent food but not the best of new orleans. Highlight is weekend (I think both days? Maybe just Sunday, call to confirm) brunch with bottomless mimosas (and the cranberry version) for $10. Once a month it is drag queen brunch (no extra charge, just extra fun.) If it is drag queen brunch this jumps up several spots from number 10 to almost don't miss for any reason.

9. Bacchanal. Same neighborhood as Country Club. Grab dinner before going to the pool or have brunch then wander around for a bit before stopping in to Bacchanal for some wine and free music. Outdoor and some indoor seating but it's officially more of a wine shop than a bar or restaurant. (With the idea that you buy offsale wine and consume it on site). At this point, though, I think the bar and food are available almost all of the time. Limited menu but super delicious and always some vegetarian options. Wonderful cheese plate situation where you buy some cheese at the wine shop then for $5 they plate it up with bread, olives, pickles, etc.

8. City park and sculpture garden. (Also art museum but that doesn't make top 10). Think Loring Park/Walker/Sculpture garden but. 1. More drunks and fewer gays (but not gross at all). 2. Art museum not too special or interesting. 3. No spoon and cherry but a really cool east asian sculpture of people emerging in succession from each other's shoulders in a long arch that gets smaller as it gets taller. Other sculptures vary slightly from Mpls, also. City park is also the big park in New Orleans, obvs unlike Loring at this point...

7. Hotel Monteleone's Carousel Bar. Get a "[Ramos] Gin Fizz." Only when you have tasted one will you understand how a drink involving gin and raw eggs can be so delicious and labor intensive that a (not insanely large) bar in New Orleans once had 20 bartenders on at a time mixing them non-stop.

6. Take a tour. Ghost tour, vampire tour (Both walking in French Quarter). Swamp tour, alligator tour, plantation tour (arrange easily online or in person). I've only done a ghost/vampire combo, but it was super fun and interesting. I have literally never heard anyone lament paying for any of the types of tour listed above. Not that I hang out with tourists or complainers...

5. "______ Monkey" and river walk. In the French Market there is a pretty large space taken up by an outfit (Drunken Monkey?) that basically just makes scrumptious boozy (btw, everything in NOLA is boozy - be explicit you don't want it in any coffee or other mixer you might order at any time of day or you just might be surprised: "Oh, yeah, coffee has rum in it unless you specify virgin" for an extreme example. Option B would be just roll with it: "I sure didn't order booze but it does taste a bit funny...") milkshakes. Get one and then walk over to the river and stroll along while you refresh yourself.

4. Jackson Square. In getting to and from the French Quarter if you're not staying there, you will see some of the stuff to see, and in a few days you won't see all of it. The one thing to not miss in my opinion is Jackson square, where the largest collection of psychics, musicians, artists and other weirdos gather to sell their wares/services. More than Bourbon Street (a trashy tourist trap, more or less) Jackson Square is where you need to spend some time (maybe a beer and snack - perfectly legal to wander around NOLA with alcohol) if you want to say you truly have a sense of what New Orleans is about.

3. Lost Love Lounge. Around the river toward Country Club and Bacchanal (and my previous home and Axxx B-Sxxxx's current.) Dive bar with surprisingly good Vietnamese food. I almost always got a pork Bahn Mi, but 95% sure they have vegetarian, and def. they have other veg options.) One night is movie night, sometimes there is music. The write-up may not express the spot this has in our hearts, and "objectively" it's probably not the best food in town, but we ate there more than anywhere else.

2. Frenchmen Street. One off Bourbon? Maybe runs into it, but the pertinent part of Frenchmen is not near that of Bourbon. But, I digress. You are here to see fun NOLA stuff, get some food and a cocktail, and most of all see some music. If you feel like dancing because "When in Rome..." start at the Spotted Cat (no food.) Otherwise maybe 3 muses?

1. Axxx Cxxxxxxx Bxxxxx Sxxxx.

0A. Get down to Bourbon Street ASAP on Ash Wednesday with your camera and make a coffee table book all about pink (from the "beverage" "hurricane") vomit and what life is like for the sidewalks of the French Quarter at the height of "parade season."

0B. Just eat smoked, barbecued meats and seafood. They are delicious and nutritious. When in Rome...

0C. Sometimes you wish to drink a coca-cola or a dr. pepper. Some places a debate rages as to whether these are generically referred to as "soda" or "pop." In New Orleans this debate is settled, it is called "cold drink."

Bonus for regular readers

All bets officially off. New soul in st. Louis park mardis gras 2014 gregorian. Details to follow... positive thoughts/prayers :)